Leaving Exodus Embracing the Promised Land

I had learned of God since I was a newborn. I come from a family of missionaries and I followed in their footsteps by doing summer missions programs and choosing professions that had that feel. But at the age of 22, I learned something about myself that put all of my Christian life in jeopardy. I found myself in love with women. Over twenty years later, I write this essay of connecting my true self with my passion for God. But first, I enlisted the help of Exodus International, Christian counselors, books, and groups to help me change my sexual orientation. It was my job to right what I thought God had allowed to be so broken. When I learned I couldn’t change, I settled for celibacy. Years of self rejection, struggle and denial created an empty shell. Thankfully, God woke me up in 2011. This is my story.

Connecting with My True Self

Life was hard. I had been down many rabbit trails looking for truth, searching for answers. Who was I kidding? I was very lonely. I was wrestling with God.

I had heard about a Gay Christian Conference (really, Gay and Christian??) and I was intrigued, but mostly I wanted to share with seekers about my truth regarding celibacy. I had read on the internet about this group that consisted of monogamous partnered or celibate GLBT people.

In January, 2011, I set off for Denver, CO as a “missionary” to the Gay Christians with a message of “embrace life as a eunuch in remaining celibate.” Curious, I wanted to see how “Christian” these gays and lesbians actually were. I had been taught that one cannot be gay and Christian. I thought that gay Christians must believe a watered down Christianity; they definitely were being deceived. Armed with my writings that proclaimed that God only approved of celibacy for the gay person, I sought to convince seekers of my agenda. I took a stand for MY Biblical truth in some workshops; I handed out booklets in the resource room. But I was unprepared for the metamorphosis that started to take place in my heart. I saw GLBT people loving and serving and worshiping God in a real, honest way. My eyes were open to same sex couples who were missionaries, church leaders, authors who have left behind their black and white religion and were true to themselves. I couldn’t yet grasp the concepts of “it’s ok to be gay,” and “I was born this way,” as they were so opposite from my Exodus/fundamentalist ideals. However, the seeds of authentic living were planted in the back of my brain.

After returning home, I jumped head first into my ministry and my personal study of the Bible. I was learning many New Covenant truths that were contrary to what I had been taught in church and from family. The hidden manna (metaphors) of the Word was setting me free a little at a time. I saw for the first time that I was declared righteous and perfect due to Christ in me. My righteousness had nothing to do with my performance or who I was, but due to the work of Jesus Christ.

At the same time, however, my soul was dry and dusty and my body deteriorated. I was so lonely, shut down emotionally, and not caring if I lived or died. I was sick and exhausted. I prayed for God to show me His love. I prayed for Him to remove hypocrisy from my heart. I prayed for a friend that I could be honest with.

I wasn’t planning to go to the Exodus International Conference due to my finances, but God put it on my heart to go, and He provided me with work to cover the costs. Again, I had an agenda in attending as I wanted to share my truths to others (to accept the truth of our gayness, but yet remain celibate and live sold out for God). But something happened at the Exodus in 2011. I met a woman who challenged my thinking with wisdom, insight and honesty. She made me think. She made me question. I thought my uncovering truth in the Word brought me to a place that my same sex attraction was not an issue any longer.

After attending the Exodus conference, a blood test showed my life-threatening anemia. Requiring 4 units of blood transfused proved how lifeless I was. The new blood revived me and I began to re-evaluate my life.

In early July, I shared my testimony and booklets at an ex-gay booth at the National Educators Association caucus. For 2 days, I carefully and painfully explained to teachers and administrators the concept of being ex-gay, yet, I didn’t hold on to that belief. I knew that I was gay, but had decided to remain celibate. I was confronted by many GLBT people who were baffled by the ex-gay claim of not being gay any more. I saw the weakness and inconsistencies of the ex-gay statements.

One guy stated that we (Exodus, PFOX, the religious right) were the reason that kids were committing suicide. He also challenged me by saying over and over, “You were born this way, beautiful, gay. Embrace it.” He said I had a good soul and that he would pray for me to embrace who I am. I tried to explain to him my conviction of celibacy, but he wouldn’t hear it.

I left that conference vowing to never represent anything that was labeled, “ex-gay” because that was not who I was. Many seeds were planted in my heart, and I wrestled with the question, “Was I born gay?”

God was doing a new thing within me. I began creating a Bible study for the book of Genesis and I came upon the foreshadowing of the temple in Genesis 28. I had just been studying the Old Testament aspects of Solomon’s temple and how God’s Spirit filled it in II Chronicles 5. I saw the connection of the Spirit of God filling Solomon’s temple and Jesus Himself filling His spiritual temple, His body, discussed in the New Testament. I saw myself as a lively stone, part of His Spiritual Kingdom.
While studying this, the glory of God came upon me in an overwhelming way; Christ had already returned in His glory to dwell NOW, IN ME. I sensed His love in a mighty way. Not only did I sense Him, the outpouring love was directed toward one person… a woman, the same woman who inspired and intrigued me at Exodus. I can’t explain it. The emotion I felt toward her was pure, overwhelming and beautiful.

As this woman and I talked, texted and emailed daily, the love flowed from Him into my heart and then to her. Thinking only that I was attracted to her spiritually, her thought-provoking questions forced me to think about my sexual orientation. Being honest with myself, I had to admit – I am attracted to this woman. There is no doubt about it, I want to be with her.

Feeling overwhelmed with God’s love, I wanted to love my friend deeply, rightly, unselfishly with the absence of lust.

I was asked to speak at the Regional Exodus conference in New Hampshire. Due to meaningful conversations with my new friend, I was captivated. I was so alive and glowing and this abundant life was overflowing to all the folks at the conference.
The two workshops I taught were “The Harlot” and “Homosexuality and the Bible.” I enjoyed sharing how believers are the harlot turned bride, but I had discord in my spirit regarding what I truly believed about homosexuality and the Bible. I was questioning it, yet telling the attendees that celibacy was the answer.

Driving home from the conference, I just happened to be in close proximity to a lesbian couple that left an Exodus ministry to pursue their “forbidden” love. Over brunch, I asked them to explain how they came to peace with their sexuality and God. One woman shared that as an ex-gay Christian, she was like a tree that was half alive and half dead. She was alive in so many ways, but her sexuality was dead. Shut off. How healthy is it for a tree to be half dead? This metaphor hit home with me because several years ago, I had a half alive/half dead tree growing in my front yard. I was that half dead tree.

Weeks later, I sold my home and its contents and set out to find myself, to follow God as Abraham did, and there was no telling where I was going to end up.
One of my first stops was to visit the woman who rocked my world. I was able to spend four amazing hours with her, and it was so hard to leave her. I was all the while trying to make sense of my attraction to her and my fundamental beliefs.
I met up with gay Christians in Dallas, TX; these people loved God and their neighbors – the gay community! I was like a sponge soaking in their honesty and connectedness to their true selves. The church service and the bible study I attended were like any other evangelical church service, yet full of honesty and love.

My three hour phone conversations with my woman friend continued. One Friday, I got up the courage to share with her my feelings towards her. She told me a few weeks later that she, too, had feelings. I can still remember where I was when she told me. I was smiling; my heart was beating frantically.

Both of us were seeking God’s will and wanting His best for our lives. She was conflicted. I was smitten. The more I surrendered her and our relationship to God, the more connected we become, and my feelings grew stronger and deeper.

I headed to Florida to be close to my family and dear friends. My new friends in Dallas connected me with a gay church in Fort Lauderdale. As I attended Church of the Holy Spirit Song, I experienced more of these amazing GLBT folks. I met with the pastor who has been partnered with a man for over 30 years. This man met me where I was; broken. With kindness and tenderness, he said, “Welcome Home.” I wept knowing I was home, finally, after so many years of searching and feeling like an outcast. After our meeting, he continued to mentor and encourage me through consistent loving emails.

I was forced to re-examine the equation – Is same sex attraction a thorn in my flesh or did God create me gay?

Day by day, due to the messages I received from many different resources, I was encouraged to be true to myself. For years, I tried the Exodus mentality “to pray the gay away,” but my attractions to women never ceased.

I headed to Tennessee after spending rich moments in North Carolina with fellow gay brothers and new friends who confirmed my new covenant truths. I spoke as part of a forum for the last time as a celibate lesbian at my alma mater, Bryan College.

Torn as to what to do with my life, I returned to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to heal at the gay church. I awakened to my own pain and anger of all the years of judgment from family, church and friends. I was safe in this place of honesty, realness and truth. Not only did I grieve, God was calling me to love and have compassion on myself and for those who don’t understand me.

It was time to move on and God provided me a gay-friendly place of employment, affordable living space, wonderful friends and mentors in Tennessee. After taking the job, I realized how perfect the community of organic co workers was for me. I could be myself – and no one cared. Actually, my relationship with my girlfriend was supported and encouraged. I started dressing more masculine and stepped into me. I lost 20 lbs. I began wearing a wallet in my back pocket again. Connections and friendships established through my work were enlightening, affirming and challenging at the same time.

My girlfriend and I focused on learning to take complete responsibility for our own emotions and our own personal care. I am able to love and approve of myself which includes having compassion on my faults and mistakes with an intention to learn to make improvements. I am able to understand my divine essence and purpose which gives life meaning and value. What a difference this makes for each day. I am grateful for many things. These principles brought grounding, connection and healing to my inner self through a deep connection to the Spirit of God. It allowed for my true essence to make itself known.

The basis for this process is to “And God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…” Genesis 1:27

“For You have possessed my reines; You have covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are Your works; and that my soul knows right well. My substance was not hid from You, when I was made in secret; and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes did see my substance yet being imperfect, and in Your book all my members were written; which in continuance were fashioned; when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts unto me, O God; how great is the sum of them. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand; which I am awake, I am still with You.” Psalm 139:13-18

“Your hands have made me and fashioned me together round about…You have clothed me with skin and flesh, and have fenced me with bones and sinews. You have granted me life and favor, and Your visitation has preserved my spirit.” Job 10:8-12

“The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty has given me life.” Job 33:4

“Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might be partakers of the divine (Greek: divine, Godhead) nature (Greek: disposition, constitution), having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.” II Peter 1:4

The Spirit of God is in complete control of knitting me in my mother’s womb. Spirit knit me. So, was it His desire for me to be androgynous (male and female characteristics)? I would have to say yes. I used to believe religion and thought I was faulty in some way. Did God make a mistake? Was this a cruel joke that I was born like I was? Did I somehow disconnect from my feminine side as a young toddler; thus needing counseling to reconnect with my feminine side? No… I was born who I am; created with a divine purpose and a plan.

So, because I am different… does this mean I am not capable of or worthy of love? To love and be loved is human and a God-given right. This is one way we come to understand the incredible love of God – through relationship with another. Being different doesn’t exempt me from love. It is very natural for me to love women… I cannot control it. And I choose to love and be loved.

After ten months of healing raw emotion in Tennessee, I was ready to move on. God opened the doors for a job transfer allowing me to move close to my girlfriend in Indiana. I have found wonderful fellowship at a local gay church. We are both seeking God’s will for our individual lives and for a possible life together. One day at a time.

Embracing the New Covenant truth has revolutionized my life. I am learning to take full responsibility for my own emotions and actions and learning to love myself as I connect my soul with the loving God who created me and lives within me. There is peace in the Promised Land of following the open doors and the voice of God from within. I am free to be who God created me to be and to walk in His divine purpose for my life.

I am very open to listening to God’s call on my life. I hope to be able to write a book unleashing all that God has taught me throughout the years.

God is good and I find great peace as I surrender to treasures of His promises. Stillness, mindfulness and gratitude sustain me on this journey.